I have a list of letters I need to write… if I can ever find the time…

And while I find these letters of utmost importance to write, I seem to never have the time!  But perhaps documenting them on the world wide web counts as having written them?

  1. WWF (World Wrestling Federation, not the Wildlife Foundation – they’re great):  There is a wrestler (I’m not invested enough to actually know his name) who wears little black undies with red jewish stars, whose shtick is to be straightedge. And every time he loses, a forty-something year old man dressed in leather pants, no shirt, and a bedazzled leather motor cycle jacket comes and pours liquor / beer all over him.  That sends the wrong message to children!  … not that the rest of the wwf sends a great message, but that’s of secondary concern. (*Note: I don’t actually watch the WWF, so my facts might not be entirely correct).
  2. Home Depot: Why is it in the city that never sleeps, the home depot is only open until 8pm on Sundays?  And why was the air conditioning not working?  You’re home depot.  You should be able to fix that.
  3. Murray’s Bagels:  Murray’s takes bagels to a new level…

    a perfectly canoodled bagel.

    of crotchetiness.  They won’t toast your bagel, they won’t hollow it out, and they don’t make mini bagels.  But my favorite thing about bagels (as you recall, I don’t typically like bagels) is the taste of a plain bagel after it has canoodled with the other spiced bagels. So I plan to write Murray’s a letter, not to request that they toast my bagel, or use less cream cheese, but to request that they make canoodled bagels.  Do you think Murray’s will canoodle my bagel for me if I ask?

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